Book Review: Daring Greatly — How the Courage to be Vulnerable transforms the way we Live, Love, Parent and Lead
This is the summary of the following book in Amazon:
You can watch the talk on “Power of Vulnerability” by Brene Brown.
Here is my notes from reading the book. I strongly suggest reading this book slowly and internalize. It will transform you as a better human being who will be more empathetic to others feelings.
Vulnerability is about how we handle uncertainty, risk and emotional exposure in life.
Scarcity — Looking into the culture of “never enough”
As we face life and its challenges without shame we become wholehearted. Wholeheartedness is a way of engaging with the world from a place of worthiness. It means cultivating the courage, compassion, and connection to face our lives with the spirit that we are complete and enough and its not tied to any outcomes.
Bit we are living in a world of scarcity today. People are narcissistic. People are afraid of being ordinary. The cultural message in todays world is that we are not enough and ordinary life is meaningless.
We grow up today on a steady diet of reality television, celebrity culture and unsupervised social media which results in a skewed sense of the world.
“I am only as good as the number of “likes” I get on Facebook / Twitter / Instagram”
This results in an environment of narcissism epidemic, resulting in a culture of scarcity. Due to this culture of scarcity, we always feel restricted or lacking in all spheres of life. We are constantly assessing and comparing our lives to unattainable, media driven visions of perfection.
Worrying about scarcity is our culture’s version of post traumatic stress
It is important to understand the three components of Scarcity.
Shame — Is self worth tied to achievement, productivity or compliance?
Comparison — Is there a constant overt or covert comparison and ranking?
Disengagement — Are people afraid to take risks or try out new things?
It is important to understand the opposite of scarcity is Wholeheartedness, and at its core is vulnerability and worthiness, facing uncertainty, exposure and emotional risks and knowing that I am enough.
Greatest causalities of a scarcity culture are our willingness to own our vulnerabilities and our ability to engage with the world from a place of worthiness.
Debunking — The Vulnerability Myths
Myth 1 — Vulnerability is weakness
Instead of respecting and appreciating the courage and daring behind vulnerability, we let our fear and discomfort become judgement and criticism.
To feel is to be vulnerable. If we want greater clarity in our purpose or deeper more meaningful spiritual lives, vulnerability is the path. To put our art, our writing, our photography, our ideas out into the world with no assurance of acceptance or appreciation — that’s also vulnerability.
So we dismiss vulnerability as weakness only when we realize that we are confused feeling with failing and emotions with liabilities.
Does showing up to be with someone in deep struggle or accepting accountability a weakness ? NO. Vulnerability sounds like truth and feels like courage.
Vulnerability is the courage to show up and let myself be seen
What would you attempt to do if you knew you could not fail ? What’s worth doing even if I fail ?
From calling a friend who has experienced terrible tragedy to starting your own business, from feeling terrified to experiencing liberation, vulnerability is life’s great dare.
Myth 2 — “I don’t do Vulnerability”
There are challenges of living in this world, of being in a relationship, of being connected. When we operate from the belief we “don’t do vulnerability” it is important to ask the question on how we would behave when faced with uncomfortable and uncertain situations in life, how do handle emotional risks.
When we pretend that we can avoid vulnerability we engage in behaviors that are often inconsistent with who we want to be. So experiencing vulnerability is not a choice, the only choice we have is how we are going to respond when we are confronted with uncertainty, risk and emotional exposure.
Myth 3 — Vulnerability is letting it all hang out
Vulnerability is based on mutuality and requires boundaries and trust. Its not about oversharing with everyone. Vulnerability is about sharing our feelings and experiences with people who have earned the right to hear them (Our Trust). Remember Trust is built one marble at a time.
Myth 4 — We can go it alone
Going it alone is a value we hold in high esteem in our culture. However vulnerability is not something that we can make alone. People who are used to going to alone have to learn to overcome the discomfort of sharing with others. It is important to have a trusted set of people who would love you unconditionally.
Understanding and Combating Shame
Shame derives its name from being unspeakable. If we cultivate enough awareness we can overcome shame. Shame stops us from being vulnerable and connected. In order to be vulnerable we need to develop resilience to shame.
An example of how shame makes us less vulnerable. If you have designed a product or written article or created a new art and you want to share with a group of friends. Sharing something that you have created is a vulnerable but essential part of Wholehearted living. But because of how we are raised or how we approach the world, we have attached our self-worth to how the product or art is received. In simple terms, if they love it we are worthy, else we are worthless. If the reception or feedback for the work that you shared does not meet your expectations, shame takes over. At this point shame tells you that should not have tried, you are not good enough. You have handed over your self worth to what people think.
With an awareness of shame and shame resilience skills, we would handle this situation differently. You would still want folks to like, respect what you have created, but your self-worth is not on the table. Regardless of the outcome, you have already dared greatly, and that’s totally aligned with your values and with who you want to be. When our self-worth is not on the line, we are far more willing to be courageous and risk sharing our raw talents and gifts.
As you can see a sense of worthiness inspires us to be vulnerable, share openly and persevere.
So its important to understand that disappointments, hurt feelings, heartbreaks are inevitable in a fully lived life, but we cannot equate defeat with unworthy of love, belonging and joy. If we do, we will never show up and try again.
Shame is the intensely panful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging.
Another important distinction is the difference between Shame and Guilt. Guilt is “I did something bad”, but Shame is “I am bad”. Guilt is as powerful as shame, but its influence is positive, while shame is destructive. We live in a world where people are controlled using shame as a way to keep people in line. Understanding the difference between Shame, Humiliation and Guilt is important.
If we are going to find our way out of shame and to help each other, vulnerability is the path and courage is the light.
The Vulnerability Armory
As children we always try to protect ourselves from vulnerability, from being hurt, diminished and disappointed. We used our thoughts , emotions and behaviors as an armor to protect ourselves. Now as an adult we must realize that to live with courage, purpose and connection, we must again be vulnerable and have to drop these armors.
We must show up and let ourselves be seen again.
The common vulnerability shields are:
Foreboding Joy
What is Foreboding ? Foreboding is the feeling that we are always waiting for the other shoe to drop. There is that delicious moment when things feel so good, and your heart swells with warmth and joy. Then, right on its heels is that feeling of foreboding; the thought of “uh oh, this feels too good, something bad is going to happen,” and you are filled with the conviction that at any moment, the other shoe is going to drop. The point that Brené makes is that joy is one of the most difficult feelings for us to allow ourselves to feel, because it automatically makes us incredibly vulnerable. When we allow our hearts to fill with the indescribable feeling of joy, we become vulnerable to the possibility of it being taken away, our hearts being crushed, and our hopes dashed on the hard ground of despair.
The antidote for foreboding joy is to practice gratitude, to acknowledge how truly grateful we are for the person, the beauty, the connection. We must not turn the opportunity to feel joy into despair.Perfectionism
One other shield we use to avoid vulnerability is perfectionism. The most valuable and important things in life comes to us when we have the courage to be vulnerable, imperfect and self-compassionate. It is important to note and understand that perfectionism is not the same thing as striving for excellence. Perfectionism is a defensive move that if we do things perfectly and look perfect, we can minimize or avoid the pain of blame, judgement and shame. Perfectionism is not self-improvement but above trying to earn approval from others. Perfectionism is not a way to avoid shame but is form of shame.
The antidote for perfectionism is to have self-kindness, compassion and mindfulness. It is important to to be warm, understanding toward ourselves when we suffer, fail or feel inadequate rather than putting ourselves down with self-criticism.
Don’t let the perfect to be the enemy of the good.Numbing
We bought into the idea that if we stay busy the truth of our lives won’t catch with us. Its all about addiction. When we numb emotions, it is our way of avoiding painful feelings or traumatic experiences. Whether we push everything down, “just try and not think about it,” or turn to alcohol, over-eating, over-spending and the like, we are leaning into numbing behaviors.
The antidote to numbing is learning how to actually feel the feelings, staying mindful about numbing behaviors, and open to leaning into the discomfort of hard emotions.Viking or Victim
Victim in life is a loser who is always being taken advantage of and cannot hold your own. Viking who sees the threat of being victimized as a constant, so tries to stay in control, and hence dominate, exert power over things and never show vulnerability. The Viking or Victim armor perpetuate behaviors such as dominance, control and power over folks who see themselves as Vikings and also perpetuate a sense of ongoing victimhood for people who constantly struggle with the idea that they are being targeted or unfairly treated.
The antidote to Viking or Victim is to redefine success. Fear and scarcity fuel the Viking or Victim approach and reintegrating vulnerability and overcoming shame triggers that’s fueling the win-or-lose fear. Cultivating trust and connection in relationships is a way to overcome this behavior.
The fear of vulnerable makes us employ these different kinds of shields and can unleash cruelty, criticism and cynicism in all of us.
Mind the Gap — Cultivating Change and Closing the Disengagement Divide
Minding the gap is a daring strategy where we pay attention to the space between where we are actually standing and where we want to be.
Disengagement is the issue that affects families, schools, communities and organizations. Its human nature to disengage to protect ourselves from vulnerability, shame and feeling lost and without purpose. We do not create intentionally disengagement and disconnection. The space between the practiced values and our aspirational values is the “disengagement divide”.
What we need is we need to be engaged and committed to aligning the values with action. It is important that we cultivate engagement and to transform the way we parent, educate and lead.
How do we overcome the culture of “never enough”, recognize and combat shame and what does minding the gap and daring greatly looks like in schools, organizations and families ?
Disruptive Engagement — Daring to Rehumanize Education and Work
To reignite creativity, innovation and learning, leaders must re-humanize education and work. This means understanding how scarcity is affecting the way we lead and work, learning how to engage with vulnerability, and recognizing and combating shame. It is important to have honest conversations on shame and vulnerability.
What’s the most significant barrier to creativity and innovation?
The fear of introducing a new idea and being ridiculed, laughed at and belittled. Introducing a new idea involves failure and learning is part of the journey. Learning and creating are inherently vulnerable.
Rehumanizing work and education requires courageous leadership. Important to have honest conversations about vulnerability and shame. Shame breeds fear and it crushes our tolerance for vulnerability, and kills engagement, innovation, creativity, productivity and trust.
It is important to have frank honest conversations about letting people to know that discomfort is normal in any innovative approach. It is important to encourage taking responsibility, taking risks and having an entrepreneurial spirit. Encourage ideas that might fail, be ready to challenge status quo.
It is important to encourage your team to engage, show up and learn from the journey. Be courageous.
Dare Greatly. Read about Daring Greatly leadership manifesto — https://brenebrown.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/06/Daring_leadership_manifesto-2020-1.pdf
Wholehearted Parenting — Daring to be the Adults we want our Children to be
“Are you parenting the right way ?” and “Are you the adult that you want your child to grow up to be?”
We are bringing up children in today’s world of “never enough” culture. So who we are and how we engage with the world are much stronger predictors of how our children will do than what we know about parenting.
Our need for certainty in an endeavor like raising children makes “how to parent” strategies dangerous. It makes the children unable to tolerate uncertainty and judgement. There is no such thing as perfect parenting and there are no guarantees. Vulnerability lies at the center of family story, and it defines our moments of greatest joy, fear, sorrow, shame and disappointment. By pushing away vulnerability, parenting becomes a competition that’s about knowing, proving, executing and measuring rather than being.
If the goal is to raise wholehearted children then it is important to raise children who are:
Engage the world from a place of worthiness
Embrace vulnerabilities and imperfections.
Feel deep sense of love and compassion for themselves and others.
Have the courage to be imperfect, vulnerable and creative.
Move through rapidly changing world with courage and resilience spirit.
As parents what we must do is:
Acknowledge that we cannot give children what we do not have and so must let them share the journey to grow, change and learn.
Recognize our own armor and model for our children to take it off, be vulnerable, show up and let ourselves be seen and known.
Parent from a place of “enough” rather than scarcity
Mind the gap and practice the values we want to teach.
Dare greatly, possibly more than we have ever dared before.
We should not use fear, shame, blame and judgement in your children lives if we want to raise courageous children. When we shame and label our children, we take away their opportunity to grow and try on new behaviors.
Cultivating more guilt self-talk and less shame self-talk requires rethinking how we discipline and talk to our children. Children self-worth is important and shame can impact them in negative ways.
Another important thought in this chapter is about Belonging vs Fitting.
Belonging is being accepted for you. Fitting in is being accepted for being like everyone else.
I get to be me if I belong. I have to be like you to fit in.
As a good parent, we need to cultivate worthiness in our children and we need to make sure they know that they belong and that their belonging is unconditional.
Raising children who are hopeful and who have the courage to be vulnerable means stepping back and letting them experience disappointment, deal with conflict and have the opportunity to fail. If we are always following our children into the arena, hushing the critics and assuring their victory, they will never learn that they have the ability to dare greatly on their own.
Finally who we are and how we engage with the world are much stronger predictors of how our children will do than what we know about parenting.
Read about wholehearted parenting manifesto — https://brenebrown.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/Wholehearted_ParentingManifesto.pdf
Summary
This is a fantastic book which is a must read for living and facing this world that has this scarcity culture. It teaches how to be a good leader, good parent and good human being.
Daring Greatly is not about winning or losing. It is about courage. In a world where scarcity and shame dominate and feeling afraid has become second nature, vulnerability is subversive. And, without question putting ourselves out there means there is a far greater risk of feeling hurt.
Daring Greatly is about having the courage to show up and let yourself to be seen.
Finally, there is no effort without error and shortcoming and there is really no triumph without vulnerability.